You have no idea how some things you do come back to you. No… not that time it totally back fired. It sometimes comes back in the right time.
During college doesn’t everybody pass through that one phase where you seem to have hit the rock bottom- you are pathetically single (still), some back papers that looks like the end of the world, friends turn to strangers, strangers you befriended get revealed to be leeches, you don’t want to go out with your friends gang (if you still have one), you are totally broke, you fall sick, you are fed up of the college staff, you don’t even want to attend senate meetings, you want to resign the elected positions and just want to run away.
It is like coming to a screeching halt at a traffic junction when the signal just turned red and you are stuck there for ever. You close your eyes and take a deep breath. And then you slowly open your eyes and are shocked to see that you are not at a busy traffic junction. Instead you have stopped in the middle of a highway in the middle of the desert and the car has stalled. There is not a single soul who can see that you are stuck. As if you did not have enough reasons to hate your life, you curse yourself. With that last drop of Theism or Gnosticism, you look up and ask “Why me?”
I was going through something similar.
As I was walking down the winding roads from our college hill to Munnar town, the cool breeze and the engulfing mist didn’t help to cool my mind. Sun was setting behind the lonely tree on top of the high tea plantation near Nallathanni Estate. I always felt bad for that tree. I always wanted to go there but never did.
To distract myself, I fished out my music player, plugged the headset and pressed down the next button until the song changed to something totally random. I was in no mood to pick the right song. If I had to pick the song, I think I would have picked some poem by Murukan Kattakada. Without looking at the current song, I put the player back into the inner pocket of my uniform blazer and walked down.
What I heard next was not a song. I heard the following words:
It’s your Life
We have been conditioned to give away our power. Society has taught us to expect someone else to step in and solve our problems and “fix” our lives. I hate to break your bubble but it’s not going to happen. You and only you, can change your life. I can’t. Your mother can’t. Your spouse can’t. The government can’t. If you want a better life – the kind of life you deserve – then you must take responsibility and make it your job to do whatever needs to be done. When you become willing to accept responsibility for the conditions of your life, the good and not so good, you gain the personal power necessary to change them.
Decide now to take responsibility and take charge of your own life. The next step is to determine where you are and what you want to change.
Those words seemed just the right thing I wanted to hear. They opened a train of thoughts which eventually put me back on track. That was a movie moment. That voice sounded familiar. It sounded like I am saying that to myself. You know, in movies they show the protagonist say something to the mirror and the person in the mirror replies? This was one such moment. I was pretty sure that it sounded like me and I was also sure that I have not heard those words before.
I looked at the display and got no real information. I reached home and made my roommate listen to it and he confirmed that was indeed me. The sound sounded enhanced though. We ran a file search on the computer and discovered the work files. Yes it was my own voice.
I was asked to do the announcement before a dance performance the previous year. The entire thing wanted a soothing music in the background and the words had to be rehearsed and clear. The day before we recorded it, I set the whole thing up at home and read out a random paragraph from a random book (The title of the post is the name of the book) in my roommate’s ebook collection. Since I was more interested in the voice quality and the music mix and breath dynamics, I never really knew what I read out. I carried it to college in the player to make the choreographer listen and decide if they wanted me to do it.
And months later I listened to that just when I badly had to hear something like that. And I got to hear that in my own voice and the whole thing looked so surreal.
May be it’s just me; but I found it pretty strange. And nice.